FINLAND IS THE ANSWER

I am in Paradise.
Everyone is beautiful, trendy, athletic and they speak in a language I do not understand so it makes it a lot harder to judge those who are stupid based on the content of their conversation.
In Finland, no one locks up their bikes.
In Finland, the only one who is 'poor' is I.
In Finland, there is an H&M to every street corner.
In Finland, the air is clear and the sun shines through the night.
In Finland, all is so charming that even the smell of fish kind of turns me on. That, or I am suffering from a lack of intimacy. Blondes are no exotic breed here, you see. I guess I better haul my ass over to Italy soon if I want to draw any kind of male attention.

1. Too much fun 2. Too poor

These are the very valid reasons why my blog will not be updated very often in the next few months.
Have fun in North America, cock suckers!
Which, in French, means "I love you all!"

Is it wrong that I'm crushing on younger men?

In my latest little boy misadventures on the internet, I've unearthed two adorable pre-pubescent gems that warm my heart and send pangs of lust through my ovaries.
I'm known to obsess over Bostonians every now and again, so allow me to introduce you to Bo. He is one sweet sixteen of a boy, I tell ya:

My other sexy little heartthrob is Chris Crocker, a little 20-year old from my girl Dolly's Tennessee mountain home. Sometimes I just want to rip my clothes off right in the middle of one of his public service announcements...

Naked and Paris-bound

My dearest fairweather friends,
I am leaving this god forsaken continent for a new one that will drain my bank account even more quickly. Thrilled, I am, I am, Sam I am!
I've been in this suburb-of-Toronto town for a week now, visiting my flawless Maman. As much as I love her and her pathetically stocked refrigerator, I am going stir crazy here.

For example, all I do all day is walk aimlessly throughout the alternately carpeted and hard-wooded floors of this town home. However, I do this completely naked, save for my gold necklace whose clasp is broken. In fact, at this very blogging moment I am in the buff. I also did this in my former apartment, but my sparkly moisturizer (that my cousins gave me for Christmas, God bless their diva souls) would get all over the vinyl chairs. See, I don't necessarily covet glittery moisturizer, but I'm not about to toss a brand new bottle of it in to the trash. Mal, my beloved roommate, thought otherwise. Out of respect for my shimmer-hating former life partner, I had to start wearing a robe.

My Mum is so badass

Tonight, my Mum and I went to a movie. She splurged this time around, spending $15.74 on popcorn, a Diet Coke and M&Ms. Insanity!

So, I suggested after watching the movie that we sneak in to another one. Without a flinch of hesitation, she agrees. We toss our movie stubs, refill our cola, strut into theatre No. 4 and stick it to the man.

Hey, AMC! Take your $15 admission price and shove it up your Harry Potter-profiting ass.

Nautical family ties

Hey, look! It's the Delta Shine! Kaptain Kim and his crew are a fine bunch, they are, they are!

Oh, no! It looks as though there is a problem with the watercraft! The filter on the hull is covered in barnacles. What shall we do?

Kaptain Kim digs into his trunk of oceanic appliances and fishes out a snorkeling mask. He jumps into the murky marina water with a mission to kick some serious barnacle ass.

In the water, Kimmer grows a little frustrated.

"My ears are really sensitive to the salt water," he moans.

followed by, "I can't see anything down here"

"I can't hold myself under water. I need a belt with some weights on it."

"This salt water makes me gag."

With all of this racket coming from Komplaining Kim, Judicious Jacq is unable to read about Sweden's latest denim trends in Nylon. She rises from her tanning chair and goes to see what she can do to keep him from bitching like a divorcée.

Kitschy Karry is helping! She has rummaged through the trunk of oceanic appliances to recover a flashlight! She puts it into a ziplock bag, and throws it to Kaptain Kimmer.









Judicious Jacq goes inside the cabin, only to emerge in moments' time with a plastic cup of cheap tequila.

"Here you go, there, Kimmer," she hollers, "this should make things a little easier and a little less stressful for ya."

Judicious Jacq, what a kindred spirit, always throws alcohol at problems when she sees no solution.

Kitschy Karry scolds Judicious Jacq, "That isn't going to help," to which the Swede enthusiast replies, "It'll calm him down. I don't feel like putting up with a Kim-sized fit this early in the morning."

Stressed and salted like a good piece of Nordic cod, Kaptain Kim politely declines the tequila offer and goes on failing at his task.

Kitschy Karry stands by for moral support.

Judicious Jacq makes herself a cocktail, sits on a vinyl-covered seat and feels famously better than her Kaptain and krew as the ice cubes reach her lips and the margaritas flow like her Aunt Flo.

Hollywood Beach, America.

The little Aryan boy is named Paul. He and his raven-haired friend (I didn't get his name) were loitering outside of a shoreline shop that sold Corona bathing suits and tanning oil, 'shooting' at various objects, people, and sea gulls.

They seemed to be having fun with their rifle, so I asked to take their picture. They posed for me as seen here, only Paul pointed the gun at me. I kindly asked him to point it to his left so that the camera could see it. He complied.

I thanked the boys, and they ran off, the raven-haired whispering to Paul, "Maybe we'll be in the PAPER!"

Surprise, surprise

Y'all wish you were skinnier. Hit the stairmaster; stop facebooking. Medical notes mean you don't have to write exams or hand in term papers!	0 (0%)
Prescribed meds = getting craaazy stoned and lucid dreams ALL DAY LONG	2 (20%)
I'll finally be able to fit into those jeans that (pre-mono) I've been too fat for	5 (50%)
Pity presents from Mom & Dad	3 (30%)

Pina Coladas will NEVER go out of style

Sorry for not blogging in a while!
I'm with my Pa (Kaptain Kim) and my sister (Care Bear/Sick One/Douche-a-sis) in the retirement capital of the Atlantic: Fort Lauderdale.
We're on my Dad's new mid-life crisis project that I have affectionately named the 'Delta Shine.' It's a boat. You sleep on it, drink on it, tan on it, burn on it first, and EVEN surf the net on it. I blog from the Intra-Coastal Waterway as we speak.
My ass is a beautiful shade of both red AND white, as I pay homage to my Canadian roots in the land of all-you-can-eat buffets and old women with tattoos on their saggy tits.
I miss you all.